evil evil evil evil evil!

Friday, June 15, 2007 - Posted by Amanda Bast
Dear people who make Mini Wheats,

First of all, you suck. And so do Mini Wheats. You already had shredded wheat, and that was a hit, so why mess up a good thing and make them miniature? Doesn't bigger usually mean better? Why would I eat ten little things when I could just eat one big one? Yes, size does matter in this case.

Secondly, why do you have to make such STUPID and ANNOYINGLY catchy jingles? Take this one, for example:

The song is catchy and fun. It grabs the attention of those of us who loved Grease, and really, who didn't love John Travola and his sexy butt chin dimple...thing? And this one:

This one makes me want to go on vacation. With a Mini Wheat. Why the heck would I want to go on vacation with a Mini Wheat? He'd go swimming once, and he'd fall apart. What a crappy travel buddy.

I appreciate your catchy songs, I really do. Please tell me something: where are the Mini Wheat's arms and legs? How come his gloves and flip flops float around him? Why does he need gloves and flip flops if he has no extremities? This confuses me. I would really like to know.

Also, why is the Mini Wheat close to the same size as the people in the commercial? I thought he was supposed to be mini. I would hate to see Regular Wheat. That is just scary.

Everytime I see one of your commercials I think that someone is playing a cruel joke on me. I've had these jingles stuck in my head for DAYS now, and I can't even EAT Mini Wheats. I know they're high in fibre, but I definitely can go wrong. Mini Wheats would wreck havok on my intestinal system. Screw you gluten companies, what with your catchy commercials and poison-like food. If you aren't going to be nice and make non-wheat Mini Wheats, then at least make your commercials less catchy, so us poor souls who can't eat Mini Wheats aren't left singing a ridiculous song by ourselves in the cereal aisle.

Glutenly free,