Showing posts with label facial hair. Show all posts
Showing posts with label facial hair. Show all posts

Facial Hair 202 

Sunday, March 27, 2011 - Posted by Amanda Bast
Remember that time I wrote about eyebrow grooming for men? You know how it was short and sweet and really straight to the point? Now do you remember how I wrote about eyebrow grooming for women? You know how that post was long and complicated? Of course you remember.

Well the tables are turning, internets. This one is for the ladies, but men I think you better stick with me on this one.

Facial Hair 202: MUSTACHES (for ladies)

I know, right? Ladies don't have mustaches. Or at least they shouldn't. It's very unappealing. I don't want to go into any more details, but just....no. Ladies, there is only one important rule when it comes to your upper lip fuzzy wuzzy: GET RID OF IT.

Pluck it, wax it, use that Nair crap, get electrolysis. I don't care what you do, just do something. There is an entire aisle at the drugstore dedicated to hair removal. CHOOSE SOMETHING AND USE IT. It seems easy enough, but there is one danger I need to inform you of. In that very same aisle of hair removal glory, there is a very deceitful product.

Bleach.

Yes, it will dye your facial hair blonde. But guess what? A blonde mustache is STILL A MUSTACHE. Do not fall into the trap of "if it's blonde, no one will see it!" It's a lie. A very big fat furry lie.

Please follow this advice. For the good of us all.


Ladies: You're welcome.

Gentlemen: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!

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Facial Hair 201 Continued 

Friday, March 11, 2011 - Posted by Amanda Bast
Welcome to the continuation of yesterday's post.

Now before you go all "Amanda, you are no professional esthetician. Where do you get off telling us about our eyebrows. Hmmm? HMMM?" please let me explain. I took a public speaking skills class when I was in grade 11, fully expecting it to be a bird course but found the opposite. Our insane teacher referred to us as her "little lambs" and often performed a song and dance number to High Hopes. Definitely the weirdest teacher I've ever encountered. If you went to my high school you know EXACTLY who I am talking about. But I digress. In this class I did a speech about eyebrows. I included chalkboard diagrams and everything. The chalkboard eraser was my tweezer. It was brilliant. I received one of the top marks in the class, only to be rivaled by Tim's speech on how to survive a bear attack if you only have school supplies available. Thus, I am now an expert on both topics. Please read on...

Facial Hair 201: EYEBROWS (for Women)

This is the trickiest of all grooming techniques. I have seen so many women botch this process up. When you ruin this, you ruin your face. Please keep reading because I don't want you to ruin your face. Guys had rules to follow, but ladies you get step-by-step instructions. With pictures of my face for reference. Aren't you lucky.

1. Gather your tools. You need tweezers, an eyebrow brush, a tiny pair of sharp scissors and a mirror (magnifying is great, but keep reading to find out why you need to use this tool with caution). If you're brave and impatient, go with wax. I warn you though, if you make a mistake it's pretty obvious and will last a lot longer than tweezing.

2. Find the beginning. Hold a stick-like object vertically on either side of your nose. Any hairs between these two stick-like objects should be removed.

Close ups are not flattering
Don't make this gap wider or you'll look like the guy I went to elementary school with from yesterday's post. Unless that's the look you're going for. Then go ahead and get a fake tan while you're at it. Maybe the two of you could date and make weird orange gappy eyebrowed babies.

3. Find the end. Hold the same stick-like object to the side of your nose, this time angling it out to meet the corner of your eye.

I don't normally open my eyes this wide
Where the stick and your eyebrow meet is the end of your brow. This is usually where your eyebrow naturally ends. Don't make it shorter than this or your eyes will appear smaller.

4. Find your natural arch. Look straight on in the mirror. Hold your stick-like object vertically along the outer side of your iris (the coloured part of your eye).

Empty towel bar, anyone?
This should be the highest point of your eyebrow arch. Never mess with the natural shape of your arch. Messing with it messes with your face. Trust me.

5. Shape gradually. Start from the inside of your eyebrow and work your way to the top of your arch, and then out to the end. Only remove hairs from the bottom of your brow.

Totally staged. I plucked nothing. Sorry to disappoint.

Taking hairs from the top messes with your natural arch. Pluck a little bit from one brow, and then a little bit from another. It's next to impossible to shape one entire brow then go back and do the same thing to the other. Do them both at the same time.

Make sure that the shape is gradually going from thicker to thinner. You don't want a brow that is the same thickness from start to finish. You should also never have a tadpole brow.

6. Take it ease*. I cannot stress this enough. Pluck little by little. If you're using a magnifying mirror to see the tiny hairs, STOP every few plucks and look at your face from a distance. It's amazing how different they look from far away. If you do a little bit at a time and look at them from a different perspective it reduces the risk of messing up your face.

7. Don't overdo it. This is similar to Step 6. You want neatly groomed yet full brows. Super skinny brows look ridiculous and unnatural. If you continue to pluck your eyebrows, eventually the hairs don't grow back. When you're older, you also start to lose some eyebrow hair. Keeping them fuller when you are younger means you won't have to draw them on when you're older.

8. Cut the pokey bits. I don't know what else to call this step. If you have hairs that stick up at the beginning of your brows, cut them. Brush these hairs straight up and use your sharp scissors to delicately trim the bits that poke up beyond the natural shape of your eyebrow.

Ta da! The left side of my face appears larger,
but I'm certain it's not.

9. Fill them in. If you are blonde or you have eyebrows that are nearly invisible, fill them in with a little bit of brow powder, being careful to choose the right colour for your complexion. Blondes don't need black brows.

10. Keep it up. Once you have the basic shape of your eyebrows, all you need to do is pluck a few hairs every day. Little bits every day is better than a whole bunch every few weeks. Keep tweezing, even if your bangs completely cover the fact that you have amazing eyebrows (like me). You'll know that underneath hair is more awesome hair.

See ladies, it's easy! Only ten steps (dudes who read this entire thing: aren't you glad you're a dude?)! My bottom line: keep it natural.

Your tweezer is your friend.


*Italian accent, again.

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Facial Hair 201 

Thursday, March 10, 2011 - Posted by Amanda Bast
We talked about facial hair in terms of dudes. Now let's go a little broader and discuss other types of facial hair for dudes and ladies.  Grooming of this type of facial hair is tricky and somewhat of a lost art. Have no fear, I will teach you my ways. It's the guys' turn first.

Facial Hair 201: EYEBROWS (For Men)

Guys, there are a few rules when it comes to your eyebrows. These are very important rules, so please pay attention.

1. You should have two of them. If you have a unibrow, you NEED to do something about it, stat. Following in Bert's footsteps is a slippery slope. Soon you will be sharing a room with another dude and have someone's hand shoved up your behind. And no one wants that.


2. Put down your razor. Use tweezers instead. The space between your eyebrows and the width of your razor should not be equal. Sorry guy I went to elementary school with, but this is exceptionally obvious.

Thanks, Facebook!

3. Take it ease*. When you groom, do little bits at a time. You want to be left with guy-brows, not lady-brows. Don't go from one furry caterpillar to two sleek silkworms in the matter of minutes.  In fact, be careful how much you take off. Don't over-groom. Dudes with over-groomed brows likely have pencil thin jawline beards. And we all know how I feel about those. A man who helps women pick out wedding dresses should not be your brow role model. Just no.


4. There is no #4. That is all you need to know about your eyebrows, gentlemen.

Please use your tweezers responsibly.



*To be read with an Italian accent.

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Facial Hair 105 

Saturday, February 5, 2011 - Posted by Amanda Bast
And now, the moment you've all been waiting for! I know you've all been waiting for this ("yes, waiting for her to finish this dang series of posts!") so I shall not make you wait any longer. Coming at you right now...

Facial Hair 105: BEARDS

Beards. The grand poobah of all facial hair. The facial hair that separates the men from the boys. The facial hair that just screams, "I am heavily laden with testosterone!" Every man wishes they could grow a beard. They're so...manly. But before you get excited and start growing a beard all willy-nilly, let's throw down a few guidelines.

1. A good beard is well groomed. Not too long. Not too bushy. You can be bearded and sophisticated. Beards can have the potential to leave a man looking like John the Baptist*. Just because you grow a beard, does not give you permission to stop bathing, grooming and start eating locusts. Trim that bad boy. Keep it tidy.

2. A good beard has boundaries. It should not creep up to your eyeballs. You do need to show a little cheek (scandalous!). It should also NEVER (and this is a big disgusting never) end up on your neck. Neck beards are nasty. They are NEVER acceptable. Ever.

3. A good beard is full. If you have giant patches in the middle of your cheeks, a beard is not a good choice. Also, if your facial hair has the texture of cotton candy (this is directed towards some of my young teen friends), please shave. Wait until your facial hair is more mature.

There you go. Three easy guidelines.

Now we can move on to discuss different styles of beards and what they say about you. Ready?

1. The Northern Boy Beard.
This beard belongs on a guy who grew up where it is very cold. A beard is not just for style, but also for face warmth. This type of beard goes well with plaid and hunting gear. This type of beard can be seen on my friend Derek.


2. The Rock and Roll Beard.
Gruff and manly, this type of beard is reserved for intense musicians only. Usually accompanied by long rocker hair. This type of beard (and hair) can be seen on my friend Luke. Also, ZZ Tops, but that man breaks all of my guidelines, so there will be no picture posting, thank you!

3. The Indie Beard.
These beards are on faces of guys who listen to bands that you've never heard of. Guys with Indie beards live an alternative lifestyle full of skinny jeans and cardigans. These people are the Golden Dogs. Haven't heard of them? That's because they're indie (and consequently one of my favourite bands of all time). And oh look! Beards!


4. The Dad Beard.
Look at your Dad. Does he have a beard? That's a Dad beard.


5. The Playoff Beard.
These beards are never shaved during the playoffs. Pretty self explanatory? Yes, I think so. Typically seen on hockey players.


6. The Talk Show Host Beard.
Conan: Yes! David: No.


7. The Every Day Beard.
For those beards that don't necessarily fit into a category, but are still awesome.


Now your facial hair questions have been answered. You're welcome.

Did I miss anything?


*Bible reference, FTW!

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Facial Hair 104 

Friday, February 4, 2011 - Posted by Amanda Bast
Feel like you missed something? Click that picture on the right. The one with the spoon. Scroll down. Bam. 103, 102, and 101. For your reading pleasure.

Now I know you're expecting beards because let's face it, I've been working up to that. But I don't think we're quite ready for beards yet. Just one more before the biggie.

Facial Hair 104: The Five O'Clock Shadow

Let's define this shall we? Most men, unless they are very hairy will not produce a five o'clock shadow at five o'clock. It's more of a two days without shaving shadow. But that just sounds silly, doesn't it? So we're still calling it the five o'clock, just not specifying which day and which five o'clock. The five o'clock shadow is arguably the hottest facial hair on dudes' faces today. It's rugged. It's manly. And it's also very easy to maintain. Observe.

Shave.
Don't shave.
Don't shave.
Perfect.
Repeat.

How easy is that? Quite. Patrick Dempsey has this process down to an art.


You see what I'm talkin' bout?

Dudes: it's simple. Don't shave for a couple of days. Ladies: endure the scruff because you know it looks good.

Who's with me on this one?

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Facial Hair 103 

Thursday, February 3, 2011 - Posted by Amanda Bast
Here comes part 3. If you missed parts 1 and 2, just scroll down. This isn't a difficult process.

Facial Hair 103: The Chinstrap

Oh the chinstrap. That strip of facial hair running from the sideburn, around the chin and back up the opposite sideburn. The chinstrap is a tricky subject to broach. My knee-jerk reaction is to say that chinstraps are horrible and the only guys sporting chinstraps also have fake tans, popped collars and smell like the cosmetics department at the Bay. When I think chinstrap, I think d-bag. The two go hand in hand. Here is a prime example of such a chinstrap:


Really? It looks like someone doodled on your face. What about this one?


I should not look at a dude's face and think, "so is that actual beard? Or did he just draw on himself with eyeliner?" That's confusing. And way too accurate, if you ask me. Stop drawing on yourself and fix your collar. The world will thank you.

There is a way to sport a chinstrap without looking like a douche. Here are some things to consider: it must be wide enough; it must be tidy; it must be even; it must not infringe on the neck. It mustn't be worn on a fake tanned face. Or in conjunction with a popped collar. If you wear a chinstrap properly, it can make a good impression.


A chinstrap can also say, "Hey, I'm neat. I'm tidy. I'm a good guy and I look good in a chinstrap. I'm confident that I could dress up as a leprechaun in ladies clothing and still make this chinstrap look hot*."

It's challenging, but it's definitely possible.



*Wink.

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Facial Hair 102 

Wednesday, February 2, 2011 - Posted by Amanda Bast
Continuing with my ever so riveting series...

Facial Hair 102: The Goatee

The Goatee is difficult to write about. First of all, it's an entirely bizarre word. Why not a chickentee or a sheeptee? Maybe a llamatee? How did they come up with goat? Second of all, it is hard to define. Is a goatee a circular patch of facial hair surrounding the mouth? Does it have to contain the mustache portion, or can it just be on the chin? Do the chin and mustache portions have to be joined? What if the chin portion is only a tiny soul patch? For the sake of clarity, I will say yes.

I think the wearer of the goatee makes or breaks this type of facial hair. It suits some people, others it doesn't. Take Orlando Bloom for example. He's a good looking guy, but have you seen his goatee?


That's just nasty. General rule of thumb: if your facial hair looks stringy, patchy, or peachy fuzzy it's best to avoid it. Just give up, Orlando. It's not working for you. Here's who it is working for:


Bottom line, goatees are facial hair that most guys can pull off without looking like idiots, weirdos or giant douchebags. It's safe facial hair. If it's grown in nicely, you won't look like a tool, someone's dad, or like you're trying too hard. If it suits your face, go for the goatee.

Added bonus: The environment loves them.

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Facial Hair 101 

Tuesday, February 1, 2011 - Posted by Amanda Bast
I like dudes with facial hair.

This is no secret. There is something ultra rugged and manly about facial hair that I can't quite explain. It can be a supremely attractive feature. If done right, facial hair can make a fantastic impression. It can also have the complete opposite effect. Now I am no expert (being a lady and all) but I'd like to think I'm somewhat of an expert (being a lady and all). I'm here to share with you my facial hair wisdom.

This is Facial Hair 101. Read. Learn. Grow. Shave.

First up: The Mustache
A mustache is an interesting beast. As of late, it has become quite the controversy. In the 80s and 90s, everyone's dad seems to have one and there wasn't anything funny about it. Remember Hal Johnson?


He had a mustache. No one thought anything of it. I'm sure Joanne McLeod even liked it. It was normal.

Now all of a sudden, mustaches are gross. Dudes grow mustaches to be funny in a "look how disgusting I am ha ha!" sort of way. There is an entire month devoted to mustaches and looking gross. Also cancer, but that's beside the point. People tattoo mustaches to their fingers so they can take cheeky pictures and post them online. People buy things with mustaches on them (guilty!). They even made a movie based on a man. With a mustache.


So why are they gross? Or are they acceptable? Are they trendy? I still haven't figured this out. I think they're trendy. Yes, most definitely trendy. In a "ha ha mustaches are so not trendy that they're trendy" sort of way.

All I know is this: the only way you can be taken seriously with a mustache on your face is if you are a father and/or over 40. Or if you are Tom Selleck.


Facial hair question: What is the magic age a mustache becomes an acceptable and appropriate form of facial hair?

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