all I need is time, a moment that is mine

Wednesday, June 27, 2007 - Posted by Amanda Bast
You know that really awful Britney Spears song? "I'm not a girl...not yet a woman..." Today feels like that except that is an awful example. And it has nothing to do with my...womanhood...? and has everything to do with transition.

I'm all packed and I can't do anymore to get ready to leave. I want to go because staying here seems like a waste. I don't want to leave because I've had such an awesome time these past two months.

I suck at transitions. I hate them. I dread them. I'm a mess in the middle of them. I usually am a mess shortly after they happen, too. It's not that I don't like change - I really do, I welcome it - but I just suck at the whole in between process.

It was like being at Wonderland (metaphor, here we come). In line for the rollarcoasters, I was freaked out of my mind and didn't want to do what I was about to do. Getting off I felt all wobbley and awful again, and questioned why I just put myself through that. Being on the rollarcoaster itself was amazing, and I loved it. I just had to keep reminding myself that the suckiness of waiting in line and the wobbley knees afterwards was worth it.

I am currently waiting in line. I don't want to go to the cottage, even though I know that once I get there I will have an awesome time. I know that the transition back to the "real world" is going to suck, too. Especially this year.

I don't like leaving the awesomeness of the past two months behind, knowing that when I return things will be completely different. I'm not sure what to expect. People will have moved away - some I may never see ever again, or at least for a very long time - and I don't like that. People will have moved out, moved in, and have cats at their houses (BOO TO THE CATS). Diana will be here from Mexico, so I will have a live-in sister for six months. Some of the girls at school will be on Co-op and MIA, and I don't like that I won't get to see all of the girls every day. Some of these changes will be good, I think, but still something to get used to.

I have to keep reminding myself that the cottage will be a good time. A time to work my butt off, but recharge at the same time. It'll be good to get some distance from certain situations at home, and to rethink the fall, and where I need to be, doing what I need to be doing. Cottage Amanda is different than Waterloo Amanda. Cottage Amanda is more adventurous and active. Cottage Amanda dreams more, thinks more and isn't as lazy as Waterloo Amanda. Cottage Amanda is just a teensy bit more lonely than Waterloo Amanda, but that allows her hang out with her pal Jesus more often. I wish Cottage Amanda was around all year, and that her ambition would last throughout classes, papers and midterms.

I guess I can rest assured, that whether the cottage is sucky or amazing, I won't be having children with a sleaze bag, or checking into rehab any time soon. Or shaving my head. And if these things do end up happening, please - pretty please - don't let me lip sync at my shows while wearing only a bra to show off my leftover baby weight.