Weird Crap That Freaks Amanda Out - Volume 3

Friday, November 5, 2010 - Posted by Amanda Bast
For today's installment of Weird Crap That Freaks Amanda Out (WCTFAO) we will be discussing pudding. Yes, pudding. That jiggly, custardy, creamy and extremely bizarre (and absolutely disgusting) dessert.

I have never liked pudding. This began in my early years. I was (and still am) allergic to dairy. This is not an intolerance that can be fixed with a mere enzyme pill before I eat some ice cream or lasagna. This is an allergy that jump starts my asthma, and if left unchecked, turns me into a wheezing, coughing, phlegmy (but much cuter) version of Louis Armstrong*. Real dairy pudding was a no-go for me. My mother bought the non-dairy soy type of pudding. I remember banana and caramel flavours somehow tasting like beans. I also remember gagging.

My aversion to pudding grew in elementary school. My packed lunch was always full of non-packaged, non-processed foods that were usually made from scratch.  My one classmate, Shane, always had those plastic cheese/cracker duos, Lunchables or Dunk-a-roos. Along with those packaged goodies, he almost always had a cup of chocolate pudding. Shane had a lunchbox haven of processed junk, and he also had large gaps between his teeth. It was common lunch room practice for him to skootch his chocolate pudding through the gaps in his teeth. He did this in a very slow and deliberate manner, so that it looked like his tooth gaps were squeezing out tubes of the poop-like substance. Please just pause and picture that for a moment. Gappy teeth covered in GLOBBY chocolate pudding. I am pretty sure Shane is into drugs now.

A child once told me that she was excited to eat Nerd Pudding at the cottage with her dad. Uh, Nerd Pudding? I was afraid to even ask. It is, as you might guess, pudding with Nerds in it. So as if the custardy mess wasn't enough, try adding chunks of artificially flavoured sugar that will leach colour into the already unacceptable dessert. Why would you waste perfectly good chunks of sugar like that? It almost seems cruel.

Those of you who are familiar with me and my dietary restrictions know that I will eat almost anything, just as long as it is gluten free. I am totally ok with consuming bread that resembles cardboard in both taste and texture. However, there is no circumstance in which I will consume large amounts of pudding. I do want to like pudding because I know it is strange that I can't handle it. Some of my daycare co-workers have witnessed my willingness to keep trying to like it. I can usually handle an apple slice dipped in a very thin layer, but as soon as there is a glob, oh sweet mercy, I gag and try my best not to bring it back up. FOOD SHOULD NOT BE GLOBBY. Food should also not be made from a powder. I hesitate to even call it food. I've had a few people say I don't like pudding because I've never had REAL pudding. No. Please, no. I don't care if it is real or not, I refuse to eat a food that hangs in limbo between a liquid and a solid.

In conclusion, pudding freaks me out. I know that is weird, but I am ok with it.

*I am happy to report that my dairy allergy has improved with age and I can usually get away with consuming dairy in small doses. The only things that turn me into the King of Jazz are ice cream, cats and very cold weather.