Showing posts with label dudes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dudes. Show all posts

What I Don't Get About Dudes 

Monday, April 4, 2011 - Posted by Amanda Bast
I grew up with older brothers and a father who are by definition "dudes". They're men. And manly men, too. As a result, I usually get why dudes do what they do. I get why flatulence is hilarious. I get why they need things said straight up. I get that they don't understand mind games that women like to play. I get why punching is sometimes better than talking. I even get that when a guy is staring off into space and a woman asks him what he's thinking about and he responds with, "Nothing," that it is the truth and a completely valid response. Dudes can idle. Like a car. Turn their thinking mechanism off while still sit there and look like they're running. It's miraculous.

Last night as a bunch of us 20somethings were playing some "friendly" dodgeball, I realized something about dudes that I don't understand.

Dudes can't take it easy when they're playing sports.

As I watched all of these strapping young men (and one old brown dude*) whip rubber balls at each other (and at me) I noticed their intensity. I noticed their focus. And I noticed that not one of them had a smile on their face.

It was terrifying.

I've taught many a gym class and have seen this on a smaller scale. Sweet little boys suddenly turned into competitive monsters as soon as you put an elephant skin ball in their hands. When they're tiny, it's still cute, watching them struggle to get the ball to the other side of the gym. But once they grow a couple of feet, add a bunch of muscle and some facial hair and their voices drop an octave or so, it suddenly turns from cute to startling. These men, whom I spend time with on a regular basis, whom I trust, whom I know are gushy little teddy bears inside did not even notice me writhing in pain on the ground. They thought my bruises were kind of funny. They lost any bit of sweetness that I know they have as soon as we put them in the gym with some balls.

I don't get it.

Gentlemen, please explain this transformation to me. As I ice my bruises today, I'd really love an explanation.



*you'll hear from him in the next few weeks

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Facial Hair 201 

Thursday, March 10, 2011 - Posted by Amanda Bast
We talked about facial hair in terms of dudes. Now let's go a little broader and discuss other types of facial hair for dudes and ladies.  Grooming of this type of facial hair is tricky and somewhat of a lost art. Have no fear, I will teach you my ways. It's the guys' turn first.

Facial Hair 201: EYEBROWS (For Men)

Guys, there are a few rules when it comes to your eyebrows. These are very important rules, so please pay attention.

1. You should have two of them. If you have a unibrow, you NEED to do something about it, stat. Following in Bert's footsteps is a slippery slope. Soon you will be sharing a room with another dude and have someone's hand shoved up your behind. And no one wants that.


2. Put down your razor. Use tweezers instead. The space between your eyebrows and the width of your razor should not be equal. Sorry guy I went to elementary school with, but this is exceptionally obvious.

Thanks, Facebook!

3. Take it ease*. When you groom, do little bits at a time. You want to be left with guy-brows, not lady-brows. Don't go from one furry caterpillar to two sleek silkworms in the matter of minutes.  In fact, be careful how much you take off. Don't over-groom. Dudes with over-groomed brows likely have pencil thin jawline beards. And we all know how I feel about those. A man who helps women pick out wedding dresses should not be your brow role model. Just no.


4. There is no #4. That is all you need to know about your eyebrows, gentlemen.

Please use your tweezers responsibly.



*To be read with an Italian accent.

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Facial Hair 105 

Saturday, February 5, 2011 - Posted by Amanda Bast
And now, the moment you've all been waiting for! I know you've all been waiting for this ("yes, waiting for her to finish this dang series of posts!") so I shall not make you wait any longer. Coming at you right now...

Facial Hair 105: BEARDS

Beards. The grand poobah of all facial hair. The facial hair that separates the men from the boys. The facial hair that just screams, "I am heavily laden with testosterone!" Every man wishes they could grow a beard. They're so...manly. But before you get excited and start growing a beard all willy-nilly, let's throw down a few guidelines.

1. A good beard is well groomed. Not too long. Not too bushy. You can be bearded and sophisticated. Beards can have the potential to leave a man looking like John the Baptist*. Just because you grow a beard, does not give you permission to stop bathing, grooming and start eating locusts. Trim that bad boy. Keep it tidy.

2. A good beard has boundaries. It should not creep up to your eyeballs. You do need to show a little cheek (scandalous!). It should also NEVER (and this is a big disgusting never) end up on your neck. Neck beards are nasty. They are NEVER acceptable. Ever.

3. A good beard is full. If you have giant patches in the middle of your cheeks, a beard is not a good choice. Also, if your facial hair has the texture of cotton candy (this is directed towards some of my young teen friends), please shave. Wait until your facial hair is more mature.

There you go. Three easy guidelines.

Now we can move on to discuss different styles of beards and what they say about you. Ready?

1. The Northern Boy Beard.
This beard belongs on a guy who grew up where it is very cold. A beard is not just for style, but also for face warmth. This type of beard goes well with plaid and hunting gear. This type of beard can be seen on my friend Derek.


2. The Rock and Roll Beard.
Gruff and manly, this type of beard is reserved for intense musicians only. Usually accompanied by long rocker hair. This type of beard (and hair) can be seen on my friend Luke. Also, ZZ Tops, but that man breaks all of my guidelines, so there will be no picture posting, thank you!

3. The Indie Beard.
These beards are on faces of guys who listen to bands that you've never heard of. Guys with Indie beards live an alternative lifestyle full of skinny jeans and cardigans. These people are the Golden Dogs. Haven't heard of them? That's because they're indie (and consequently one of my favourite bands of all time). And oh look! Beards!


4. The Dad Beard.
Look at your Dad. Does he have a beard? That's a Dad beard.


5. The Playoff Beard.
These beards are never shaved during the playoffs. Pretty self explanatory? Yes, I think so. Typically seen on hockey players.


6. The Talk Show Host Beard.
Conan: Yes! David: No.


7. The Every Day Beard.
For those beards that don't necessarily fit into a category, but are still awesome.


Now your facial hair questions have been answered. You're welcome.

Did I miss anything?


*Bible reference, FTW!

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Facial Hair 104 

Friday, February 4, 2011 - Posted by Amanda Bast
Feel like you missed something? Click that picture on the right. The one with the spoon. Scroll down. Bam. 103, 102, and 101. For your reading pleasure.

Now I know you're expecting beards because let's face it, I've been working up to that. But I don't think we're quite ready for beards yet. Just one more before the biggie.

Facial Hair 104: The Five O'Clock Shadow

Let's define this shall we? Most men, unless they are very hairy will not produce a five o'clock shadow at five o'clock. It's more of a two days without shaving shadow. But that just sounds silly, doesn't it? So we're still calling it the five o'clock, just not specifying which day and which five o'clock. The five o'clock shadow is arguably the hottest facial hair on dudes' faces today. It's rugged. It's manly. And it's also very easy to maintain. Observe.

Shave.
Don't shave.
Don't shave.
Perfect.
Repeat.

How easy is that? Quite. Patrick Dempsey has this process down to an art.


You see what I'm talkin' bout?

Dudes: it's simple. Don't shave for a couple of days. Ladies: endure the scruff because you know it looks good.

Who's with me on this one?

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Facial Hair 103 

Thursday, February 3, 2011 - Posted by Amanda Bast
Here comes part 3. If you missed parts 1 and 2, just scroll down. This isn't a difficult process.

Facial Hair 103: The Chinstrap

Oh the chinstrap. That strip of facial hair running from the sideburn, around the chin and back up the opposite sideburn. The chinstrap is a tricky subject to broach. My knee-jerk reaction is to say that chinstraps are horrible and the only guys sporting chinstraps also have fake tans, popped collars and smell like the cosmetics department at the Bay. When I think chinstrap, I think d-bag. The two go hand in hand. Here is a prime example of such a chinstrap:


Really? It looks like someone doodled on your face. What about this one?


I should not look at a dude's face and think, "so is that actual beard? Or did he just draw on himself with eyeliner?" That's confusing. And way too accurate, if you ask me. Stop drawing on yourself and fix your collar. The world will thank you.

There is a way to sport a chinstrap without looking like a douche. Here are some things to consider: it must be wide enough; it must be tidy; it must be even; it must not infringe on the neck. It mustn't be worn on a fake tanned face. Or in conjunction with a popped collar. If you wear a chinstrap properly, it can make a good impression.


A chinstrap can also say, "Hey, I'm neat. I'm tidy. I'm a good guy and I look good in a chinstrap. I'm confident that I could dress up as a leprechaun in ladies clothing and still make this chinstrap look hot*."

It's challenging, but it's definitely possible.



*Wink.

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Facial Hair 102 

Wednesday, February 2, 2011 - Posted by Amanda Bast
Continuing with my ever so riveting series...

Facial Hair 102: The Goatee

The Goatee is difficult to write about. First of all, it's an entirely bizarre word. Why not a chickentee or a sheeptee? Maybe a llamatee? How did they come up with goat? Second of all, it is hard to define. Is a goatee a circular patch of facial hair surrounding the mouth? Does it have to contain the mustache portion, or can it just be on the chin? Do the chin and mustache portions have to be joined? What if the chin portion is only a tiny soul patch? For the sake of clarity, I will say yes.

I think the wearer of the goatee makes or breaks this type of facial hair. It suits some people, others it doesn't. Take Orlando Bloom for example. He's a good looking guy, but have you seen his goatee?


That's just nasty. General rule of thumb: if your facial hair looks stringy, patchy, or peachy fuzzy it's best to avoid it. Just give up, Orlando. It's not working for you. Here's who it is working for:


Bottom line, goatees are facial hair that most guys can pull off without looking like idiots, weirdos or giant douchebags. It's safe facial hair. If it's grown in nicely, you won't look like a tool, someone's dad, or like you're trying too hard. If it suits your face, go for the goatee.

Added bonus: The environment loves them.

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Facial Hair 101 

Tuesday, February 1, 2011 - Posted by Amanda Bast
I like dudes with facial hair.

This is no secret. There is something ultra rugged and manly about facial hair that I can't quite explain. It can be a supremely attractive feature. If done right, facial hair can make a fantastic impression. It can also have the complete opposite effect. Now I am no expert (being a lady and all) but I'd like to think I'm somewhat of an expert (being a lady and all). I'm here to share with you my facial hair wisdom.

This is Facial Hair 101. Read. Learn. Grow. Shave.

First up: The Mustache
A mustache is an interesting beast. As of late, it has become quite the controversy. In the 80s and 90s, everyone's dad seems to have one and there wasn't anything funny about it. Remember Hal Johnson?


He had a mustache. No one thought anything of it. I'm sure Joanne McLeod even liked it. It was normal.

Now all of a sudden, mustaches are gross. Dudes grow mustaches to be funny in a "look how disgusting I am ha ha!" sort of way. There is an entire month devoted to mustaches and looking gross. Also cancer, but that's beside the point. People tattoo mustaches to their fingers so they can take cheeky pictures and post them online. People buy things with mustaches on them (guilty!). They even made a movie based on a man. With a mustache.


So why are they gross? Or are they acceptable? Are they trendy? I still haven't figured this out. I think they're trendy. Yes, most definitely trendy. In a "ha ha mustaches are so not trendy that they're trendy" sort of way.

All I know is this: the only way you can be taken seriously with a mustache on your face is if you are a father and/or over 40. Or if you are Tom Selleck.


Facial hair question: What is the magic age a mustache becomes an acceptable and appropriate form of facial hair?

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